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Hope or acceptance

Kate303

Total Posts: 2
Joined: November 3, 2014

Hi, I am very new to this forum, I have been hunting for a while for now for some NZ help. I am struggling. My husband and I have been ttc for 6 years. We have been through 4 cycles of IVF, and money stopped us carrying on. If it would be guaranteed we would continue, but we all know its not, and it appears I may be at fault. My FSH levels are around 25. (and I'm 38) So my question is when do you stop hoping and start accepting?

I have grown up always expecting to be a mother, as I think most girls do. My husband does have children and when we got together he said he wanted more children. My children. Don't get me wrong, his kids are great, grown up a bit now, but great and always been awesome with me. But it's not quite the same.

So now, 6 years on and month after month going through the same pain and grief I wonder if I'm not to be a mother, what am I supposed to do? Whats my life purpose? In 50 years when our family tree is being researched will anyone take any notice of the strange Aunt Kate who didn't have children, will anyone research me? I know it sounds weird, if not vain!
So when do I stop hoping, stop charting, stop experiencing every "pregnancy symptom" (because I sure i'm having them very month if I really think about it :o/) and start accepting and finding a new lives purpose? and...how?

Sorry for waffling - and it's been edited!!!

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Posted on November 3, 2014 at 2:38 PM

hanna24

Total Posts: 9
Joined: August 31, 2014

Re: Hope or acceptance

Hi Kate,
I've just read your message and im so sorry you have had such a long journey! My bf and i have been trying for 4yrs and are due to start ivf icsi in feb next year. He has antisperm antibodies and i have mild endo so gotta double wammy!! Do u mind me asking what your fertility issues are? Im with wellington FA and am really nervous going into this ivf journey.
I know what u mean about felling lost if u can't have children, its something i think of all the time. Ive always wanted children and always thought id have them. Have u thought about looking into fostering? Cyfs has a programme called home for life where u foster a child for life and become their guardian until their of age. Its something i want to look into if ivf doesnt work for us. A family friend of ours is registered and just received a ph call last week that they need a home for a 7mth old girl so they are picking her up next week. This is great to give this wee girl a home, but i understand this option isnt for everyone
thinking of u and always here to chat

Posted on November 17, 2014 at 8:49 PM

Kate303

Total Posts: 2
Joined: November 3, 2014

Re: Hope or acceptance

Hi Hanna,
Thank you for replying, I thought it was great to just get it out there but its actually quite nice when someone does reply! Sorry to hear of your double wammy, and your nerves regarding IVF, but there is something quite exciting about finally having the help that may end in the ultimate dream.
My husband and I are on the list for adoption, but there is more of a push to keep children with their birth families as its better for the child. We did look at Home for Life, but to be honest we already have another mother in our lives (my step children's mum) (and to be honest she's a nightmare!) and to be selfish I don't think I want to share another child. Thats fantastic for your friend, and very exciting and I wish them all the best.
Oh and to answer your original question, my fert issues are somewhat unexplained however my FSH level is at around 25 so that probably has a lot to do with it.
Thank you again for your words

Posted on November 20, 2014 at 7:56 PM

hanna24

Total Posts: 9
Joined: August 31, 2014

Re: Hope or acceptance

Hi kate,
I know what u mean.. it is nice when someone replys to u. Ohh totally get that it would be a hard situation to share a child with someone else and i take my hat off to u! Must be really hard sometimes especially if she's a bit of hard work!
Yeah, deep down i am looking forward to just getting on with now! I know ive got more of a chance through ivf than i do on my own so bring it on! Still nervous as hell but im sure it will be worth it in the end, its so hard with all the uncertainty.
I have always dreamt of being a mother, so i can imagine when that dream doesnt come trueit must be shattering! Although i know i have to think positively. Where abouts in the country are u?

Posted on November 21, 2014 at 10:48 PM

FNZ Support

Total Posts: 47
Joined: July 18, 2012

Re: Hope or acceptance

Hi Kate (and Hanna)

Thanks for your posts. Deciding when to stop trying is a difficult decision that many couples face. If you do get to that point, we have a video on 'Beyond Childlessness' which gives guidance and addresses 'life's purpose', as you touch on in your post.
http://www.fertilitynz.org.nz/information/information-videos/living...
There is also a 'Beyond Childlessness' support group in Auckland, I am not aware of any others in the country, but if you are outside Auckland, I could arrange a phonecall. Often it's helpful to speak to someone who has walked the path before you.

In the meantime, I'm assuming you have considered egg donation (perhaps cost is now prohibitive). If it's feasible, you may have a sister or friend who is willing to donate, otherwise you could ask your clinic for donors. We also have a video on Egg Donation if you are exploring this option.

All the best,
Nicola (Fertility NZ)
0800 333 306

Posted on December 3, 2014 at 11:22 AM

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