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Grief and hope


Total Posts: 1
Joined: November 4, 2018

Ok so ready for a story- sorry just started and couldn’t stop! I’m a 30 yo woman and my husband is 32 we’ve been together since I was 19 and had an abortion when we first got together... In the last 4 years we’ve had one miscarriage, 2 ectopics left and right - one ruptured and the other surgically removed - so at 29 I had no tubes and we were thrown into the IVF world. We’ve had one private cycle no transfer and two hysteroscopies. I have uterine adhesions as we found out. Could be from abortion/miscarriage/d&c/unknown infection.... I have only just realised I’ve been angry and grieving for all of our babies and my fertility ever since we found out we cannot ever concieve naturally. In the last year I have been trying to cope and focus on other things while going through further rounds publicly. I changed jobs, were renovating and bought a puppy. I love my husband and my life but I need to let it out about how hard the grief can hit you and how hard it is to build hope timeand time again! I was probably the most ready I’ve ever been for a cycle about 2 weeks ago when I rang the clinic to let them know my day one had arrived. They then rang back (voicemail again) to tell me that because my period was a week late I’ve been cancelled and to hold onto my drugs for next month... and so I crashed again. I’m now about 2 weeks away from my next period and am trying to build hope that this cycle is the one... how does everyone prepare for hope or grief?!!! I think I’m ok but constantly feel like I have these nerves and underlying stress that is doing more damage than good.... I do yoga and walks, healthy eating and gym etc.... Just had a thought (writing makes me feel better) I’m gonna go for a swim tomorrow. Hopefully something will settle but definately feeling those pre ivf nerves kick in. Just gotta slow down and take deep breaths... love and warm hugs to everyone struggling - thanks for reading.... now time for that all important sleep. Happy to answer any questions xxx sally

Posted on November 4, 2018 at 11:07 PM
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2 Replies


Total Posts: 4
Joined: July 7, 2018

Re: Grief and hope

Hi Sally
I read your post and just wanted to say good luck, you must be about on your day 1 to start the new cycle. I hope everything goes well for you! I cannot imagine how much you and hubby have been through. I am 33yo, my partner and I have been TTC for 2 years and just had our first FET today. It all feels very surreal. I feel like we have been waiting forever and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you going into your next cycle after the losses you two have already suffered.
I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you and am here if you need to let it all out! (I have time - this 2 week wait business sounds very stressful!)
Sending lots of positive vibes your way xx

Posted on November 19, 2018 at 9:37 PM


Total Posts: 4
Joined: December 28, 2018

Re: Grief and hope

Hi all - Brand new member. We're 40 and have been trying for 10 years. Just had our first failed fresh egg transfer and I think I'm cracking up. I've never been the most placid person in the world but I lost it big time over Christmas (probably something to do with my brother-in-laws kids, hello jealousy my old friend)... screamed in my mother in law's face (though she deserved it because she's a witch frankly) and it was like I was watching myself scream but had no control to stop myself. I don't think it's the stupid hormones I was on because it was nearly a month ago and shouldn't they be out of my system by now? But basically, grief-wise, I'm swinging between suicidal and homicidal... though yesterday I stepped on a snail and sobbed for 3 hours because I broke its house. Please tell me I'm not the only one feeling this... We have two more eggs to go and I think if I get another two negatives I really will run into traffic. Also, road rage is nothing... how about supermarket rage? I just rammed this guy's ankles on purpose and felt a vindictive thrill... I probably belong in the nut house. Too scared to see a therapist in case they think I belong in one.

Posted on December 28, 2018 at 1:07 PM

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